Walking with you.....Week 2!

This week we are sharing the "waiting" period--the period between when we knew our sweet babies were not going to live beyond the womb or for some, maybe for a very short time! We found out Cicely was "incompatible with life" when I was almost 20 weeks!

After hearing those words, we were referred to a specialist at Hershey Med. Center--a doctor who actually had dealt with non-immune hydrops before and who Dr. P felt would best be able to give us the answers we so desperately wanted! My parents drove us to Hershey, they took Josh and I to a room, I got changed, and a within minutes I feel that Dr. A was in there scanning my belly! And within seconds (or so it felt) he had turned the machine off and flipped on the lights quite lightly it seemed to be in this situation! He sat down and bluntly said, "have you ever considered terminating the fetus"--FETUS??? Are you kidding me buddy--did you just see my baby's arms, legs, face, fingers, spine, etc.--Yes she is sick and we now know that but don't you dare call her a fetus--she is our baby and we will NOT terminate her life! We had hope in Christ for healing and hope in Christ for planning in this life! I don't think I listened to anything else he said because I had totally lost any ounce of respect possible of this man!

When we got into the car, I remember crying the entire way home--I just wanted to go home! The next few days are kinda a blur but I did return to work that week--it was hard but I knew that if I didn't I would be in bed crying and that was no way to live or to have my baby live! Although it did make my job quite hard as I worked at Children and Youth with abused children! I just wanted to smack the parents over the head screaming--"hello, don't you get it, you have a gift that I can't have". It took a lot of self control to continue to work and yet God provided! I went to weekly appointments to check on Cicely's vitals and also my own to ensure that I was not becoming in danger from her pregnancy! My appointments were always horribly fearful and anxiety filled as I was unsure what each appointment would hold and when they were over there were fillings of relief, sorrow, and just continued disbelief that we were WALKING :) this road! There was a lot of one on one meetings with our sweet pastor who has now passed away! She will always hold such a special place in my heart and life as she really walked right beside us on the entire journey!

We kept the baby things around, never failing to pray for hope and healing of our sweet girl!! Although during this time, I don't think I had TOTALLY given this to God, I asked for healing and hope but never asked for His way! One afternoon when meeting with our pastor, she said, "have you prayed for God's planning and will for Cicely's life". My heart sank because I knew this would be relinquishing my control in the situation and ultimately in my heart I knew it meant losing her here on earth! That day we prayed that God would use Cicely's life whether here or in heaven and that His planning for her life would teach, minister, and glorify! We prayed that His will for her life be done!

That next day, yes the next day, while sitting at work (between 27-28weeks), I had a horrible feeling--I went to the machine and got the drink with the most sugar in it--hoping to spur some movement from her! Nothing........I went to my supervisor and just sat there--I told her I needed to go to the hospital, she had no words other than a hug and tears! I felt like I walked down a dark, lonely hallway as everyone hugged and cried with me yet had no clue! I called Josh and my dad (mom was unavailable) and they met me at the hospital! The tech did a scan and quickly confirmed my feelings, Cicely's heart had stopped beating! The nurse left us alone and we all sat in silence, I don't think I even cried in those minutes, I just was there, in peace and somewhat grateful for God's grace in this journey and that is where her middle name came from--Cicely Grace :)

The journey was hard and has changed our lives forever but we learned that God is full of grace, love, and compassion! His heart broke with ours and He wrapped his arms around us with tears as we cried! We learned and are still learning that God's planning is so very unique and has such incredible parts in our lives and others! Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future!!!!