Sharing the journey....

If you are a mom suffering from the loss of a child, you may want to check out the link above and join in on Kelly's new journey--"Walking with you, Grace for the journey". Prayers for each of you! :)

This week we are to share the beginning of our journey.....

Josh and I were just 23, totally shocked by this pregnancy yet getting more and more excited as time went on! We had clothes, stuffed animals, a few essentials, etc. I will never forget the day of our ultrasound! It is one that haunts my memories, my dreams, my heart, and even my ability to put all of my trust upon my sweet Heavenly Father!

We had never watched an ultrasound, didn't know what to expect or what to look for! But, as things got moving and I watched the tech's face, I knew there was something wrong! She kept asking strange questions that I didn't think would be spoken, "is this your first child, do you have any family history of pregnancy problems, has there been any issues with your pregnancy, etc.". After what seemed to be HOURS of watching her strange expressions, she quietly told us she needed to get "more equipment" in order to take a few clearer pictures! In reality, she had went to get another tech who accompanied her back into the room--as this new tech scanned our baby, the facial expressions between them were horrible, the tears started to roll and I knew there was something wrong!

They asked me to get dressed and to wait in the hallway! Josh and I sat in complete silence, clinging on to one another hands so deeply almost as if we were speaking our fears by touch, I don't think either of us knew what to say or do! I had started weeping at this point and J was unable to say anything, I could see the deep hurt in his eyes and yet I knew it wasn't necessarily for our baby, it was for the hurt he knew I was feeling! He knew that having a baby was so special and important to me--such a blessing of life--a lifelong dream of mine--to be a mama :)

FINALLY--the techs came back and said that Dr. Peterson wanted to see us in his office to discuss some things that were noticed in our ultrasound--ummmm...........ok! Fortunately the place where we receive our ultrasounds was in the same building as our Doctor--when we went across the hall, the nurse quickly ushered us back to a room! When Dr. P entered the room, I knew it was bad, he sat close to us and could barely choke through the words! He said those horrible words, "your baby is a girl, she has non-immune hydrops which is almost always incompatible with life outside the womb". I could barely take it, I sobbed, totally lost it, I am pretty sure I gagged several times and felt as if I could puke and puke and still not feel better! Dr. P said he wanted us to visit a specialist in Hershey ASAP, he told us he was going to call Dr. A right now! We were left in that quiet room--so quiet I feel like you could have LITERALLY heard a pin drop--my eyes were so swollen and puffy at this point and my heart and stomach just ached so deeply! We had no words! Every dream and expectation had been ripped from us in second--seconds!! I was so confused as I heard that our sweet GIRL would not live outside my womb and yet I could feel her kicking around as we sat there!

Dr. P came back--sat silently with us some more and gave us the number in Hershey to call and make the appointment! He had no words and as I look back now, his poor heart must have ached just as much (in fact--some other day I will share how he came back in and out of lives :))! Doctors didn't become doctors to have to give horrible news, they want to save lives, bring lives into the world, etc. What a hard task he had that day!

I remember walking through my parent's door--my mom had been anxiously waiting for us and when we walked through, she KNEW something was wrong--I must have looked horrible and we had been gone too long! I couldn't even say anything other than, "she isn't going to make it". Mom cried and yet in her tears she was able to sweetly say, "its a girl???". The next few hours are somewhat a blur as we called family and friends and asked for prayers of healing for our sweet girl! I do remember a long conversation with Bill and Linda Harter (as they were both on the phone) and how soothing each of their voices and words were! What a gift they both were and are in our lives! And although I have horrible memories of that day--those words--what I cling to even today are the prayers of our families, friends, and ministers, the incredible support we felt that day as we felt our young, innocent lives had just been ripped away from us! God was there through it all! He never changed and He never will!!!

(I think I will save the Hershey visit to share at a later date)

Thanks Kelly for encouraging this sharing and healing through sharing!!!