Tomorrow is March 13! Five years ago tomorrow I delivered our first child, Cicely Grace Dortenzo stillborn. Her pregnancy was a shock but we quickly took to the news and began to plan, dream, and imagine us with a baby! At her 20 week ultrasound, the technician was quiet, didn't say much! At the end she asked us to go back to the Dr.'s office! I had a horrible feeling in my stomach and when we saw Dr. Peterson walk in the room, I knew something was wrong! As he began to talk, all I heard was, it is likely she will not survive outside of the womb....the rest was like listening to a Charlie Brown cartoon--the teacher! We immediately went to my parents and started to pray--we called everyone to pray! They sent us to Hershey and the specialist there confirmed that she had Nonimmune Hydrops, which is very rare! The doctors there said she had little to no chance of survival outside of the womb! We left again in a state of shock, a huge part of me wanted to hear them say that the Cburg docs had made a huge mistake but they didn't!
Every week we went to the doctors and the ultrasound area to check on Cicely's condition and to monitor my body! And every week she kept fighting! I kept thinking that maybe God had blessed us with a fighter and that she was going to make it--that was my prayer!
When I was 25 weeks pregnant, I met with Linda Harter! She asked if I had prayed for her to be released to heaven--um....no, as a young selfish woman who had wanted to be a mom her entire life, I was not praying for her to leave this earth! But after we talked and prayed, my heart did change and I understood what she was saying to me......that people, children, etc. sometimes hold on until those closed to them are able to "learn, let go, and live"! I wrote that down in Cicely's book and as I read it tonight I can so hear Linda saying that :)
About a week and half later (the papers from the hospital say that I was between 26-28 weeks pregnant), I was at work and I had not felt her sweet little kicks and punches for awhile and I just had a feeling! I told my supervisor I needed to go and we had a big cry and hug--in fact I think the entire office stopped to walk me to the car! The ultrasound with no heartbeat was absolutely devastating! Dad, Josh, and I sat in the hospital just staring at the screen, not knowing what to do! We were able to go home and get our things before they induced me that day! Going through labor knowing I was about ready to see our child yet knowing she had already passed was so unreal! A piece of my body and heart were damaged and taken during that day/labor and pregnancy, I am not sure you get that back!
The days, weeks, months, and now years that have followed have been hard! Obviously the deep sharp pains that I had in the first weeks, months, year have lessened however, Cicely and her pregnancy/birth/death are will me each and every day--whether I want them to be or not! Every day something is affected by March 13, 2003 and everyday I seek to understand why God put me on this journey and what the heck He wants me to do with my confusion, pain, hurt, inability to leave my kids very often, etc. Caedmon's Call has a great new song but one has been on my mind ALOT in the past month:
He makes all things good
He makes all things good
There's a time to live and a time to die
a time for wonder and to wonder why
cause there is a reason
there is a reason
The song goes on to say there are reasons why children go to bed scared, why some prayers are unanswered, etc.! I LOVE IT! There is a reason for my journey and I strive to listen to God's lessons each day and in turn hope that He shows me how he wants to use my life to honor him!
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